Yeah, it's Hump Day. I'm celebrating.

It's Monday, Roy. Hump Day is Wednesday.

Nah, that's just what the early humans declared as a way of converting us heathen canines to their ways. It used to be a dog holiday, and it was every day.

Well, would you mind celebrating it on someone else's leg?

Sure thing, Mac. Almost done here.

It's a cruel world, Mac. You get to be my age, you'll understand.

Roy, you're not even two yet.

Maybe not in your years. In dog years I'm like fifty.

In dog years you're twelve, Roy. You're a tween.

Well, it worked on the guy at the liquor store.

No, because I'm not an alcoholic, Roy.

Well, I had one last night.

Go on. Get it off your chest.

Nah, man, I don't really want to talk about it. It would just make things weird.

What breed was she?

Huh?

The other dog.

There was no other dog, man.

Then what did you...?

Look, Mac, all I'm gonna say is you might wanna brush your teeth.

Of course. Why?

I think it might be broken. I'll type "dog on dog" and it just gives me, like, pictures of teacup poodles sitting on Great Danes.

Yeah, they're, uh, trying to keep inappropriate images out of your search results now.

Inappropriate? How is doggy porn inappropriate if that's what I'm searching for?

You just have to be explicit.

Trust me, Mac, ALL my searches are explicit.

Look, just type "porn" at the end of whatever you're looking for.

Thanks, Mac! You're a lifesaver.

I'm cutting myself for Bieber, man.

You're...what?

Justin Bieber got caught smoking a joint, so the Internet said I should cut myself to make him stop.

And you thought that was a good idea?

Mac, I think sniffing strangers' butts is a good idea.

Valid point.

Did you just call me what I think you just called me?

I'm taking back the word, Mac. For our people.

You can't take back a word that was never used against you, Roy. That doesn't even make sense. Neither of us are "bitches."

Oh, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, like, you're my bitch, you know?

That's not...never mind, it's not worth it. Fine, Roy. Fine, I'm your bitch.

THAT'S RIGHT YOU ARE! SAY IT LOUDER, BITCH! SAY IT LOUDER!

Okay, I'm finding you a new trainer.

Is that what you call it, you twisted fuck?

Huh?

I'll tell you how it's going: Every night this freak of a woman slaps a leather collar around my neck, puts me on a leash, and starts demanding I do all kinds of demeaning things. She teases me with everything she knows I want, and you know what's worst of all? I'm starting to like it.

Well, good! It's about time you learned a little obedience.

No, man--the humiliation! Sometimes I act out just to get told what a bad boy I am.

That's...hmm. That's not exactly what I'd been hoping for.

YOUR CLASS IS TURNING ME INTO A PERVERT, MAC!

What are you even talking about?

You people are always calling our ladies "bitches."

Roy, that's the meaning of the word. A female dog is a bitch. Literally.

Oh, is that so? Well you want to know who I think is a bitch?

Not really.

Merriam Webster, that's who.

Merriam and Webster are two different people, Roy. And they're both dead.

Yeah? Figures. Bitches had it coming.

I didn't know you even liked Twinkies, Roy.

Like them? I loved 'em, Mac! They're like my favorite thing in the world that isn't gin.

Weird. I never saw you eat any.

...You can eat Twinkies?

Umm...do I even want to ask what you did with them?

Three holes, man! Do I have to spell it out for you?

You're not serious.

I like to pretend they're Corgis.

Garbage? This is Lady and the Tramp! I thought you liked movies about dogs.

Yeah, triumph of the canine spirit. Not smutt.

What are you talking about? It's a heartwarming romance for kids!

Might come off that way to a two-legger, Mac, but let me tell you: That ain't no lady. More like Stray Mutt and the Tramp if you ask me.

Roy!

Just sayin'... Lie with a dog like that, you're gonna catch more than fleas. I wouldn't put my Cocker anywhere near that Spaniel.

OK, I get it, Roy.

So does she, Mac. From every dog in the neighborhood.

I SAID I GOT IT!

I'd hit those Siamese sisters, though.